monkeyplus1

My son, aka “the boy”, turned nine years old. His party invitations went out during the last day of school, which was a bad sign to begin with. He gave out 9 invitations, only to boys this time. Of those, about half called to say they couldn’t make it, out of town on summer trips, one had hurt his leg the day of the party and was going to the hospital to get it checked out, one was confirmed, and the rest were no-show. My guess is the invitations were lost by the invited.

So, the day of the party, everything is set up. One kid from school shows up, and one neighbor kid shows up. The neighbors two sisters weren’t invited on the virtue of being girls, but they’re hanging out in the front yard.

Two boys from across the street are also hanging out on the front yard, one 13, the other about 7 or 8 years old, of stereotypically Irish looks - pale white skin, blue eyes, freckles, red hair. They were deliberately not invited because the younger brother, supposedly diagnosed with attention-deficit/hyperactive disorder, can be a little shit. Kind of like an evil Dennis the Menace. The other kids unanimously disapprove of him; when they’re riding bikes or skateboards, “Dennis” is just ramming them repeatedly. When his older brother is soaking his feet in our kiddie-pool, Dennis fills a bucket of ice-cold water and dumps it on his brother’s head. If someone says, “I don’t want to get wet”, that’s practically asking for Dennis to wet them.

Dennis has a one-track mind, too. I’m standing out in the street, where the gaggle of six or so kids is riding around. I see a car coming up the street, and all the kids except Dennis sensibly move away to the side. Dennis is busy talking. I clap to get his attention and say loudly right to him, “THERE IS A CAR COMING BEHIND YOU”, and Dennis swerves right TOWARD the car that is actually speeding up to get around!!

INCHES. The little red-headed fucker came INCHES from being road-kill, right before my eyes. And it didn’t even phase him, he was talking the whole time and barely noticed the car driving off, kept right on talking. Was he wearing a helmet? Nope. I wanted to yell at him, or give him a whoopin’ for almost getting himself killed - but he’s not my kid.

Dennis might or might not have ADHD. I think the source of his problems is his abusive mom. She sounds fucked up, and neighbors have told me she’s a notorious drunk, but I think she also has a cleft palate, or some kind of speech impediment that makes it sound like there is an ice-cube in her mouth when she talks. I can hear her yell at her kids, inside their house, with their windows closed, from inside my house, across the street, with my windows closed!

Their father shows up once every few months, maybe not even that often. I had the opportunity to meet him, at the insistence of Dennis’ older brother who believes that I taught him how to skate. The father is drinking a beer on the porch with his ex, is covered in dirt and grime, is wearing sunglasses and a filthy ballcap, is unshaven and missing a few front teeth. Says he is a sand-blaster, and has to work 7 days a week to pay child-support (yeah, right), which is his excuse for never coming around to see his kids.

So, I do have sympathy for these boys. I’m nice to them, answer their questions when I can, and when I have yard-work to do, employ them. When Dennis learned I was paying neighborhood kids to dig and move dirt, he put his hyperactivity to use, and was like a crazy little machine, easily doing as much work as any two other kids combined! The two boys are always very respectful to me, say I’m the coolest, smartest Dad. Dennis will usually try to hug me when he shows up. Eww…that’s nice, kid, now back off.

Meanwhile, my son and his two friends are inside playing video games, while four other kids are outside the front door asking if they can come to the party. I go inside, and my son shakes his head NO. I mention that out of nine kids, only two are going to show up, the more the merrier. He says he doesn’t want Dennis ruining his party. I agree to keep an eye on Dennis, and send him home to his mom should he act up.

Finally, he agrees. They all go outside, I get the slip-and-slide going, and they gorge themselves with candy beat out of a stubborn pinata. Except for nearly getting run over, Dennis was reasonably well-behaved as well, though I did have to take him aside a couple times to warn him to settle down. While the slip-and-slide was going, I was deliberately squirting him with water from the hose as he slid down, subtly getting revenge for the times were he was dousing everyone else with water.

Speaking of revenge… My parents are in town for the summer, and they brought two “Westies”, little white terrier type of dogs. They have free-roam of my back yard while they’re around.

These Westies can be irritating little shits, yapping at my neighbors, and constantly brushing up against me outside with their dog-stink while we eat on the patio, and trying to get in the house.

They’re not always a bother, though. They’re just fine by me while they’re sleeping, but these dogs have nothing going for them - they’re ugly, they stink, they’re yappy, and they are completely fucking stupid. It’s canine ADHD.

One of them, Edgar, was mistreated as a puppy before my parents adopted it, so he’s a grumpy little bastard. When I try to go in my house from the back patio, he tries to edge in by my feet. I grabbed his collar once to lead him back out, and he threatens me with a growl. Why I oughta…. ok.. not my dog, not my place to discipline it. Now I’m more careful, and avoid the problem by firmly saying GET BACK, before I open the door, and he slinks away, no harm, no foul.

I have some nice plants near a fence, some rosemary, sage, wormwood and some ground cover. Well, apparently these were blocking Edgar’s view of potential passers-by to harass. The fucker started breaking all the limbs and ripping the plants apart with his teeth! These are things that I planted and care for, and this stinky little tard rips them apart with super-mutt strength!

The next day, my step-dad and I put up a protective fence. Now he only destroys anything that sticks out of the fence, and the plants have started to recover.

Well, karma’s a bitch. The little fucker stepped on some foxtail, a plant with tiny one-way burrs that get caught up in the hair of animals.

This kind of stuff, we used to call it “spear grass” as kids, and throw it at each other.

The foxtail went in between his toes, swelled his paw up painfully. They had to take him to a vet to get it surgically removed. Can’t say I felt any sympathy for the bastard.

It’s like the yard itself exacted it’s revenge on the dog, got some payback on its own behalf.

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My side-project, ProphetPlus1, continues to grow, and grows weirder every day.

I have completely destroyed my front yard. I rented a tiller last weekend, and tore up all of the grass there, about 2,500 square feet.  After returning the tiller, I used a garden rake to gather all of the grass - well, surprise surprise: I didn’t get all of it, there were huge clumps stubbornly stuck to the earth.

I went back to rent the tiller again, for another 4 hour session. This time, I asked the guy at the counter how to set the depth. Turns out, I had it set at the most shallow setting, so it just hopped over the grass instead of digging into the dirt.

The second time around last night was much more fruitful. I could immediately see and feel the difference, and saw plenty of dirt churning as I wanted.

Neighbors continue to walk by asking what the heck I’m planning to do. I mumble a few things about not liking grass, but really, I’m making it up as I go along.  I have a general idea, but more than anything, I want the grass gone, and whatever spaces I don’t know what to do with can be filled in with bark dust or wood chips.

Of course, I know that it is always better to have a well-thought out plan - a landscape design - before undertaking such a labor-intensive and monumental task. I know that landscapes are supposed to have some kind of theme, that balances elements around a focal point.

I don’t have such a plan, at least not on paper. Instead, I’ve noted things I’ve liked about other landscaped yards in the area that caught my eye as I bicycle around the ‘hood.

I have a significant work-detail to help with this, namely, my two kids, and now six neighborhood kids.

Originally, I had two helpers, a pair of twin 10-year-olds. They were looking for stuff to do one day, and I suggested that I’d pay them 20 cents for every weed they pulled up.

After a few weeks, all the weeds were gone.

I started finding other things for them. Their younger brother heard that they were getting paid for working, so he wanted in.  I pay them based on how hard I see them working. Last weekend, the girls each made $3 in one afternoon, and I gave their brother $1, because he spent most of his time standing around talking. Not real focused.

Next, a 13 year-old boy across the street was asking me if I still had a particular Playstation2 game. I said I did, and knowing that it never gets played, offered to give it to him in exchange for some hard work. Since he’s a bit bigger than the rest, I have plenty of shoveling for him to do.  He’s got a little brother, too, who I had moving some bricks yesterday.

Last night, just as I was putting tools away, the twins introduced me to another neighborhood kid, who had heard of the deal and also wants in.  This girl is about 11 or so, and claims to be fairly good at yard work. I’ve talked to her mom’s domestic-partner, Marty, a few times because she has a terrific garden all over her property. I don’t think they have hardly any grass (”you can’t eat grass,” she says), there’s lots of wildflowers and lots more edible vegetables.   She welcomed me to come by and get some seeds that she’s saved up.

I didn’t think of it last night, but the next time I see Marty I’m going to ask her for some suggestions.

Before I go home today, I need to break a $20 into as many $1 bills as I can get, so I can pay the kids who will be eagerly awaiting me. I actually taped a list of things they could do while I’m at work that don’t require my supervision, in case they want to get a head start.  They’re on summer break, anyway.

They get some spending money and free lemonade, I get some inexpensive labor. It’s a classic win-win.

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The boy got himself a HELLA grounding from Mom this morning, with an extra extension (and detail) from Pops for continuing a bad trend.

It was coming. “Back in my day, it was The Belt,” I mumble.

My kids have it easy.

So, for him: no Wii, no PS2, no xbox360, no DS, no CD-ROMs, no On-Demand cartoons, and no Internet access for a WEEK! Can you imagine that? He’ll have to use his IMAGINATION to entertain himself!

OH.MY.GAWD.

THE HORROR. The horror…
I’m hoping it will do him some good.

too much tv or too many video games can make people seem boring. you have to be able to live inside your own head. for some, it’s overwhelming. I know.

now, look at dysfunctionally functional people like me.

we played a round of yu-gi-oh, instead. yah, still a game, but more personal.

I got creamed, but should have expected it since he packed the decks, and I didn’t examine them before starting.

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